1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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