I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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