I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
