Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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