new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
