when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
