the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
