he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
