Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she pinky promised me she was 18
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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