if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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