tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
