So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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