It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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