I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
