I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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