once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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