This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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