First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
