Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
