I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
