'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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