I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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