please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
