I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
