Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
