can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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