my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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