I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
