im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
