my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
