Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
