Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My cat gives me a boner
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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