I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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