that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i came on her dog
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
FUCK WHALES
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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