just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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