I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
