I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
