I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize