Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
