What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
