apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
