Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
