I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
