where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
