My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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