I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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