I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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