the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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