Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize