the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
