I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
