I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
