Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
