2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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