she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
