My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize