Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
