omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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